Twisted Outcome
by Stranger In A Normal Land
Summary: What happens when a fanfic author sees the same stupid plot devices used over and over again? Read this story to see the result.


Twisted Outcome  
  
disclaimer: Read the Author's Notes, damn you!  
  
Other disclaimer: I don't own Ranma, bla bla bla. Whatever. On with this story.  
  
Akane and Ranma were arguing. Akane had, once again, cooked some kind of poison slop, and had been attempting to feed it to Ranma. Unfortunately for him, she succeeded, and was insulted when he turned a sort of green-gray. Of course, considering how often this seems to happen, he recovered in time to insult her when she got offended by his color-changing, and that led up to where we came in. Both had this odd sense of deja vu, as though this were something that happened to them every other day, or something.  
  
Needless to say, things quickly got to the point where Akane pulled out a honkin' big mallet (of Doom!) and hit Ranma with it. In fact, she hit him so stereotypically hard that, having sailed out through the roof, he then proceeded to make an entry hole moments later, having orbited the earth in the meantime. This made Akane angry. "Ranma! How dare you make an extra hole in the roof!" she cried, as she stomped on him repeatedly, until the floorboards broke below him. As he fell into the space below the floor, a lone cry could be heard: "Kawaiikune!"  
  
As a result of this short yell, Akane grabbed one of the rocks from around the koi pond, and dropped it on top of him. Then she ran off crying, because Ranma was being mean to her. Of course, since Ranma is indestructible in any fight that doesn't involve someone who's completely human, and has no ridiculous amounts of training, he brushed off the boulder a few moments later. Also, since Ranma is shallow, unthinking, an undeserving jerk, and incapable of suffering from any of the horrific things which have been done to him throughout his life, he simply shrugged the incident off, thinking, 'man, what a macho chick.'  
  
Of course, a few minutes later, he was searching for Akane, who, once again, had managed to get lost after running out of the house, crying. Sheesh, you'd think she was related to Ryoga, or something. Regardless, in spite of him not being moved in the least by her tears, Soun's dreaded Demon Head attack had convinced him to look for her.  
  
Akane was scared, not that she'd ever admit it. Ranma had been such a jerk, that she had gotten lost once again, crying. Here she sat, in an unfamiliar park, still crying, and trying to figure out where she was. She suddenly heard a cry of "Where on Earth am I now?", and recognizing Ryoga's voice, headed towards him. After all, considering her multitude of other faults and blindnesses, why shouldn't she go ask him for directions, blissfully unaware of how often he gets lost.  
  
Ranma had heard the same cry, but, as he was still scared of the Demon Head attack, he decided to keep searching for his lost fiancee. Not that he cared or anything. However, a few minutes later, from his other side, he heard the other familiar cry: "Ranma, prepare to die!" So, of course, he leapt to the right, with plenty of time to spare before Ryoga (and his umbrella) came crashing down where he had been previously. "Ranma, because of you, I've seen hell! Prepare to die!" Ryoga cried, like a broken record.  
  
Akane had been looking around for that nice, kind Ryoga, when she saw Ranma looking around. Before she could say anything, though, Ryoga blind-sided him, crying "Ranma, prepare to die!" As she is also nothing more than a shallow stereotype, Akane ran up to them before they could really start fighting, and yelled, "Ranma! Stop picking on Ryoga-kun! And to think, I was worried about you!" Of course, this last part wasn't true, as everyone knows that Akane worries about no one but herself. But it made her sound sensitive and caring, and made her feel superior, to say that, and so she did.  
  
Of course, Ranma was unfazed. Two could play at the game of being completely idiotic and shallow, and Saotome Ranma never loses. "Whaddya want, ya stupid tomboy?" he replied, irritated. Of course, this wasn't enough for such a badly written character like Ranma, and so he added, "Uncute chick! Built like a brick! Thighs are too thick! Curves like a stick!" And he was interrupted by getting hit with a random bucket of ice cold water, turning him female. Of course, after the mindless teasing, and seeing Ranma turn into a girl, and one who was better built, to boot, Akane got even angrier, and punched Ranma high into the air, before running off crying again. Seeing as how he was being ignored, and was, therefore unimportant to the story, Ryoga wandered off again, forgotten by author and readers alike.  
  
Ranma came crashing down in the Tendo yard, as he has so many times. Once again, however, he missed the koi pond, and landed headfirst on one of the rocks. Kasumi came out to see what all the noise was, and saw Ranma lying unconscious, and said "Oh my!". Then she went back to cooking lunch. Sometime later, Genma dragged Ranma upstairs to his bed, put a compress on his forehead, and covered him up to his neck with his blanket, because in spite of being a useless prick, Genma is the only person who has ever done anything to help Ranma, and he had nothing else to do at the moment.  
  
By the time Ranma woke up, everyone was sitting around him. This wasn't because anyone was worried about him. No one gives a damn about Ranma, as we all know. No, the TV had exploded, and taken out the shogi board, giving everyone else nothing else to do, since none of them seem to have any lives. Except Nabiki, but she was tired from stealing candy from children, beating old women to steal their purses, selling pictures of everything in sight, and so forth, so she was there, too.  
  
Ranma looked around, and asked, "Avast, me hearties! What be ye lookin' at?" Everyone facefaulted. Not really because Ranma had just talked like a pirate so much as because no one had facefaulted yet today, and they were all horrible addicts. "Arrr, tell me what be goin' on, or I'll make ye walk the plank!" Ranma exclaimed. Suddenly, Tofu showed up out of nowhere! "Aha! I know exactly what's going on, in spite of there being no logical explanation of such, save perhaps me stalking Kasumi!", he paused a moment, considering, then continued, "Of course, since I'm really just a chiropractor, there's no reason I should really know how to deal with this, but since I seem to be representative of all doctors, let me just say that there is no known way to cure this." With that, he finally noticed Kasumi, for no appearant reason, and his glasses fogged up. "Ka-ka-ka-kasumi-san, what a coincidence to meet you here, of all places." Then he danced around like a marionette.  
  
Then Cologne showed up. Ranma exclaimed, "Arrr! It be an old ghoul! Shiver me timbers!", before getting whacked in the head with her staff. Which she somehow managed to remain balaced on. "I too know exactly what's going on, and, in 3000 years of Amazon history... I must say, this has never happened before. I'm stumped. Oh well, Shampoo can't marry anyone who talks like a pirate. Bye!" Then she hopped away. "I be glad that ol' bilge rat is gone! Arrr, let's get some grog an' celebrate, smartly now!" Ranma proclaimed, to use a different verb.  
  
Then Genma and Soun started handing out bottles of sake, and Ranma pulled a big mug of grog out of nowhere, and they all started capering about the house. The end.  
  
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Author's Notes: This story is dedicated to many of the fanfiction authors I've read stories by. Mainly because I'm making fun of an awful lot of Ranma fanfiction I've read. I tried to make fun of every idiotic plot device that I've seen hundreds of times. Ranma hits his head on a rock, and it changes his personality. Ranma is an insensitive, shallow jerk, with no motivation or explanation for his actions. Ranma and Akane do nothing but fight over trivial stuff. Akane cooks horrible food, is blinder than Mousse, excessively violent, and has no redeeming features to speak of. Kasumi does nothing useful, but merely says, "Oh my". Tofu and/or Cologne get involved for no good reason, with inordinate knowledge of the situation. Something happens, and, while none of the characters grow as a result, it resolves one or more problems, for no appearant reason. I even mentioned how Ranma suddenly loses all of his superhuman abilities and fighting skills when dealing with normal people, like gangs, first-rank black belts, school bullies, and so forth. Yes, this story is dedicated to every single one of those plot devices I'll be only too happy if I never see them again. Feel ashamed, feel very ashamed.  
  
'Kay, sorry, I just had to vent. Take this story with a truckload of salt. I'm just really, really sick of these plot devices. And I wanted to have Ranma talk like a pirate. He he he.  
  
Oh, and yeah, this story has quite a bit in common with some other stories. Mainly because it was written for the same reason as those other stories.   
  
Finally, I'd just like to say that these stupid plot devices are entirely the fault of the anime. If people would read the manga before watching the anime, this sort of thing would happen a lot less. 


End file.
